The Five Posts of Christmas, Number 4

How Chevy Chase Ruined My Marriage

A few years ago, I realized that my marriage was not as it appeared to be.  Don't get me wrong, I still loved my husband.  He was sweet, loving, compassionate, funny...I could go on and on.  But I made a discovery that changed everything.

Before I get to that moment let me tell you something...Max* makes me laugh.  Always has.  I love the little things he says that can sometimes cross the line but that in the end almost always make me giggle.

"Max is just so clever." I have often bragged to my friends. "He comes up with the craziest, most original sayings."

Then, one night a couple of years ago, Max and I watched Caddyshack together.  As we're watching something keeps tugging at my brain.  I had never seen the movie, but something about it seemed overly familiar.

Huh.  I shrug off the feeling and watch the rest of the movie.

A few weeks later we decide it's time to watch Christmas Vacation.  As we're watching, I get that same tugging at my brain I'd had with Caddyshack.  It starts to bug me.  What is it?

The next day we are setting up our Christmas tree.  We bring it into the house and I pause, trying to figure out where we should put it that year.  Max lumbers past me up the stairs with the tree.

"Hey, Max!"  I ask. "Where are you gonna put that tree?"

Max turns around and with a smile says, "Bend over, I'll show you!"

And that was the moment my world came tumbling down.  I felt like Neo waking up in The Matrix to find the world he thought was real was only a dream.  Everything started to make sense.  I began to think back upon all of Max's "witty" remarks.

Like the time in college when he came to visit me at my parents.  He drove up in a new car and when my dad commented on what a nice car it was, Max looked at him and said, "Now, don't go falling in love with it, Charlie.  'Cause I'm takin' it with me when I leave here next month!"

I laughed so hard at my funny boyfriend.

Or just about every time I hand him something he's asked me for, like a beer for example, he says to me, "Thank you very little."  Or if I can't get him something he's asked me for, like a beer for example, he then says to me, "Well, tanks fer nothin'!"  If I'm being honest, over the years those two sayings have produced more eye-rolling from me than giggles.

Or how about the time our friends came over to meet our new little baby boy.  As they bent over to give him a kiss, Max warns, "I wouldn't do that if I were you.  He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet."  

Aww, crap.  Now I understand why every Christmas when we brought our homegrown, mountain tree into our home, Max gazes at it lovingly and says, "Little full, lotta sap."

Or when I beg him to please stop asking me to "bend over.." he says, "You'll get nothing and like it."

The laughter of our marriage is completely based on Chevy Chase movies.  What other movies could he be stealing his lines from?  How could I never have noticed before now?  I thought he was so original.

So I decided to confront Max about my discovery.  It was time for him to fess up.

"Max!  I have just realized that all those "funny" things you've said to me over the years have been ripped from Chevy Chase movies.  You are not the man I thought you were!  I bet you can't come up with a single original funny thing to say to me!"

Max is quiet for a minute.  Then takes a breath, looks at me and says, "Gambling is illegal in Bushwood, sir.  And I never slice."

Disappointed, I retort "Are you serious?  You can't even try to be original?   Where is that funny man I fell in love with, Max?" I say sadly.

Max's face falls.  I feel terrible.  He looks so dejected.  I'm about to say something to make him feel better when...

"Bend over I'll show you."  He says with a smirk.

Bugger.



*names have been changed, but this time just because.
...