Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Half-ass

I have a confession to make. I am a half-ass kind of girl.  Not with everything, but enough to make into a list.  So I have compiled a list of all the things I half-ass (it's not a complete list as I didn't finish it).

MY BLOG  I love to write.  I like humor.  A year and a half ago, I envisioned combining these two loves into a blog that my family and friends would enjoy reading.  I would passionately update it every week with hilarious, insightful and sometimes touching essays on motherhood and life in general.  My writing skills would improve and I would captivate so many readers that I would become the must-read blogger of the year.  It was going to be that great.

UPDATE  I haven't written or even logged onto My Grass Is Purple since September.  It  has become like an embarrassing one-night stand.  It felt so right when the lights were off, but now I can't quite remember how we met, or why I left with its sweatshirt, or what I saw in it in the first place. 

LAUNDRY  I hate laundry.  I despise laundry.  I've mentioned this before but I feel it's worth repeating.  I loathe laundry.  However, every 4 months like clock-work, I come up with a plan to make laundry MANAGEABLE and FUN!  My motivation for this plan typically stems out of a sad little tantrum thrown by me, in the laundry room, and typically after a mound of dirty, pee-stained kid jammy pants, old cheese sticks and a spider or two fall onto my head.  But, right after this happens I become irrationally motivated to change my old laundry habits.  I put the baskets back on the shelves and am ridiculously determined to SORT my laundry into those handy baskets.  Then my brilliant plan is to do ONE load of laundry every day.  Upon hearing the buzzer on the dryer of the ONE load, I will immediately fold them and then (drum roll, please) PUT THE LAUNDRY AWAY into appropriate drawers, closets and baskets. 

UPDATE  Laundry is a practice best left to people with a solid inner peace, Olympic-style mediation skills, and a healthy diet.  I hate laundry. 

PINTEREST  I really don't understand this one at all.  But, I was invited to join and who isn't excited to be invited to join something, anything really.  When I got my invitation I felt how the girl in line for the hot new night club must feel when the bouncer eyes her and says, "Come on in, you'll do."  I immediately planned to find out what Pinterest was all about and master it.  I would pin everything cool and become known among the Pinterest crowd as the must-re-pin-pinner of the week.  I was going to rock it. 

UPDATE  Strangers are following my pin.  I have only pinned one thing.  I want to seem cool and stylish and appear as though I effortlessly pin forward-thinking ideas for room decorations, tree skirts and handbags that complete outfits.  But the Internet is so big.  People are commenting on the one thing I pinned and it's a stupid spaceship, rocket desk lamp thing.   How do I get uninvited? 

SEX AFTER 9 PM  Around 1 PM on a non mood-swingy PMS or Post PMS day, or a day where I had a really big lunch, and after a workout when I feel in shape and super duper sexy, I begin fantasizing of some evening fun with my husband.  I immediately text him my sexy plan and woo him with promises of marital bliss.  Babe.  Tonight.   Put kids to bed.  Have a drink together.  You and me.  Sexy fun.

UPDATE  It's just that 9:00 is so late.  After I text, the tick tock of the clock becomes loud and ominous.  I'm a spur of the moment, last-minute kind of girl.  This feels like a deadline and suddenly my mind becomes filled with all the things I have to do tomorrow...get up, make coffee, get kids to school, other stuff, and piles of laundry. And what if I feel bloated by then?  And isn't American Idol on tonight? And I'd rather shower now than later.  So  I will text back a new plan.   Babe.  Now. 

AND FINALLY, THE THING I HALF-ASS THE MOST AND TOPS MY LIST OF HALF-ASSEDNESS










1 comment:

  1. Sitting here with my morning coffee, browsing facebook and what do I see? A post from "My grass is Purple?" I don't believe it!!!! I hope this means you are back and it won't be another six months before I see another post! Love it, just as funny as the first time I read it... wasn't that about three months ago?

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