Today my eyeballs will become intimately acquainted with a laser beam.
All I can think of is the laser beam that Chris Knight (aka Val Kilmer) successfully but unknowingly created for the CIA in Real Genius. You know, the one that turned Professor Jerry Hathaway's house into a giant bowl of popcorn? In case you don't remember...
I'm really banking on the fact that it's not 1985 anymore and technology has come a long way. Maybe I should have asked to see the laser before I agreed to the surgery? However, if my doctor looks anything like 1985 Val Kilmer...well then that would be all right.
My vision is football fields away from 20/20. I have worn glasses since the 6th grade and contacts since 8th grade. I cannot function without some form of serious eyesight correction. My biggest (perhaps slightly unrealistic) fear with my current impairment is this:
Let's say Max and I take a cruise. (Which will probably never happen as we would both prefer to see the world in something other than a floating bathtub.) Anyway, during this cruise, I manage to fall overboard or the ship goes down Titanic style. I swim frantically and miraculously find my way to a deserted island...alone...no Lost co-stars...just me.
Those of you with contacts know that water and contacts don't mix. So, by the time I get to the island, my contacts are gone. And I'm pretty sure I did not retain the presence of mind to grab my eyeglasses as I was horrifically falling from the boat.
Short story. I'm blind. I will spend the rest of my days stumbling around the island slowly starving as I can't put my Bear Grylls survival skills into action because
A. I really just watch those shows to make Max think I'm hardcore. As a consequence I'm mostly thinking about what Bear's wife has to say about him being gone so much and doing really stupid, life-threatening things for a living.
B. That show really pisses me off because he makes it look so easy when he has a camera crew ready to save him at any moment. And really, he gets to go off and "film" a show in some beautiful location while his wife actually lives through a survivalist situation - staying at home with the children while her husband flits around the world in a private helicopter . She should really have her own show, too.
and, C. I'm a big wuss.
So, I'm living the low-life on this beautiful (but how would I know that since I'm blind) island, and wasting away from dehydration, skin cancer, malnutrition and anger at Bear Grylls for leaving his wife alone so much. As a consequence, I will ultimately miss the rescue boat floating along on the horizon. Why? Because I'm blind, remember? I will never know when to build the fire to make the smoke signals which will in turn alert the rescuers to my whereabouts.
Tragic, isn't it?
And so, today I meet the laser and finally put an end to the nightmare which has plagued my dreams for years. And perhaps start listening to a bit of Bear's sage advice. After all, now I'll have very expensive clear and crisp vision. I will really need to put those survival tips into action on the island if I'm going to get my money out of this procedure.
Plus, Max will think I'm cool.